The good, the bad, the ugly.

I keep reflecting on this year and I just get all flustered with how I feel about it. I mean sooooooo many good things have happened. Well better than good, great things, things I've dreamed about all my life. One of my biggest dreams ever came true. I graduated from college and became a teacher. I am overwhelmed with joy just thinking about this. The Lord is so very faithful, he keeps every promise. He not only let me achieve my dream but gave me even more and better. I don't deserve to be where I am. It is truly by the Lord's grace that I am here. 

Another amazing thing that happened this year is Shawn and I became debt free. No more bills. No more interest rates. Just money going into savings. How incredible can it get? 

My nephew was born this year. He is beautiful, charming, hilarious, cuddly and so wonderful. I am so thankful to be his aunt. He is truly a blessing. 

I've been on the highest mountains this year, higher than I ever dreamed possible. But unfortunately have also traveled to the lowest valley. 

Of course no one can be prepared for the call saying your brother, my brother is no longer here on this earth. I remember that moment and treble. I weep at the very thought. I am comforted when I think about how God was there holding me telling me it was going to be ok. He was ready and even though my world felt like it was spinning around me, shaky and uncertain. I look back now and see the faithfulness of the Lord. He knew I'd be angry, that I would ask him why, that I would doubt who he was. But it didn't phase him a second. It was all for his purpose for his good plan. I don't fully understand that plan right now and maybe I'll never know. Not today, not tomorrow, probably not in 100 years but I will trust that he knows. 

If I have learned anything from this year it is that God knows and I don't. He's ready when I am not. He has grace when I can't. He is forgiving when I'm not. He's constant when I waver. He's a rock when I fail.  He knows the plan and I don't. He does all this for me and all he asks of me is to trust him with my whole heart. He'll guide me inevitably, even when I am reluctant. I just need to abide, to love. I don't even have to have it all together. I don't have to say the right things or be someone special. Just me. I can let go and he'll bring me through. 

 

Surrender is what the Lord taught me. Through all my struggle and all my control I still can't do it or achieve anything. What I thought I was doing by all my striving was so meaningless and unproductive. Where did it get me and what did I gain? Nothing. Just stress and heartache. 

2013 is going to be a wild ride. I have great hopes and dreams for this year but what I desire most is to see God change my life for his glory. To live braver, to be more daring, to be spontaneous, to be adventurous, to live a life worthy of the calling. This year I want to rest. I know the Lord is stirring my heart for his plan and so I will rest and not grow weary but rely on his hand and his work.